A fool of myself.

Yesterday, I had a slight anxiety attack. The standard thoughts for me came into my head: What if I’m just an impostor? What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail? It’s timing couldn’t be more strange. The previous evening, I’d been introduced to a few people where my reputation had preceded me. As soon as they heard my name, they connected the dots in a positive way.

But perhaps that’s one of the reasons for my anxiety – exactly what had been said of me? Was it accurate, or did it inflate or reduce me? Knowing the person, I know there would be no malaise in their words to describe me.

I didn’t know where this particular bout came from. Was it significant change I’ve created, the unknown future, the end of an era?

Two things helped though – the first was talking. As soon as this episode came on I reached out to speak with my brother. We talked it through and that released a lot of the anxiety.

Then, after work, I went to a swing dance class. I was toying with whether I should or shouldn’t attend. Would it be more beneficial to nap at home or to attend the class? In the end, I – despite myself – got off my butt and walked the fifteen minutes to the church hall where it takes place.

The very notion of occupying the mind on something which takes its full attention was a massive help. We learnt a piece of musical theatre choreography that was challenging – I did it no justice compared to everyone around me, but I enjoyed my mind being occupied entirely.

And though I find relaxing and taking time for oneself very difficult, I’m learning to let go, not take myself too seriously, and enjoy making a fool of myself.

On a tangent, I remember an ex of mine who loved karaoke. At the start of our relationship, I couldn’t understand why anyone could seek enjoyment in the obvious humiliation. Then, after a while when we were out with friends one night, I selected songs that I loved – though obscure to them (think Panic! at the Disco, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Elbow) – and after one line found myself revealing in the liberation.

Life is hard. The expectations I feel are heavy and constantly a burden. Creating interesting content. Starting to date people again. Changing my career plan. Seeing and investing time in my friends and family. Volunteering for two world-changing causes.

I know there was no single issue that caused my anxiety yesterday, but instead it was a cocktail. A concoction of thoughts on my mind each vying for attention and energy. I know I need to be better – by switching off, taking time to unwind and concentrate on something all consuming, even just for an hour or so, makes all the difference.