A chemical imbalance.

I sit in a coffee shop just off from Carnaby Street, and it's worth giving some time to think about where I am mentally, and where I have come from over the last few months. Although perhaps I shouldn't post the exact text I wrote yesterday morning, I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing the thoughts I have during my dark days with others.

Mental health is something which can only get better if we discuss it in public, bringing it into sharp focus, rather than hiding behind the edited highlights of our social media lives. Yes, we use Instagram and the likes to celebrate our best, but we must also be aware that life isn't just over saturated portraits of us in interesting places. Life has just as many shit moments as it does good.

And what follows is not because of him directly. It is the combination of numerous events that all seemed to happen at the same time, as they tend to do like London buses. From the free time I suddenly find myself with since Pride, to the breakdown in relations in my family, as well as everything else. Small things suddenly became elevated to huge issues, when they aren't worth the waste of energy over. 

Honestly though, I find myself at a point where naturally I am reflecting on life – as friends get engages, have babies and buy houses, I am terrified of being left behind in my own bubble.

I am, as you'll see, the first to admit that I am the cause of a lot of the pressures I put on myself. I am hyper aware of my own failings. But cathartically writing clears my mind and gets my thoughts on a page in a much more efficient manner than verbalising. 

I don't know why I suffer ill mental health periodically. I don't know why I can't seem to overcome some of the triggers that set off periods of darkness of which I struggle to see any light. 

That said, you are not alone in this. Remember that. I know it's hard – at my darkest, I resort to sitting in parks or on the banks of the Thames because I incorrectly believe that there is no one left to turn to. But if you can let someone in, then things can get better, even if just for a moment. Because you are the best you there is, no one can replace you. You are valued, needed, loved, desired, envied. 

What follows was written yesterday morning:

Last night he didn’t appear, until it was past midnight. He awoke me and in my stupor nudged me to the cold side of the bed forcing with his weight to then cocoon me. 

This morning I refused his kiss, his ploy to build from a hug, to make things better, to gloss over things. I think that hurt him more than anything else, wanting something and for once, not being able to take it. 

I stood in the warm shower, letting its heat warm my soul, but like the dinner I had had the night before bought in similar vein, it couldn’t bring me out of this sadness. I’ve tried going to the gym, sitting in parks and reading to escape from myself, sans success. Only loneliness. 

It is the most worrying thing, my inability to move through this situation. It is as if I am trapped, with no where to call home and where friends have taken the place of family as my critical lifelines. 

Am I damaged? Am I truly at fault here? Is there something which I have done or is there a chemical imbalance in my mind? Is that the explanation?

I look to him, I pray that he’ll understand and know what to do. I pray that I can feel his love again. I pray that in my mind, I make the right choices. 

Either way, it feels like I have arrived at a terminus. All trains from here return to where they departed. I’ve never wanted to return, always hoping to lay down new track to take me further instead. 

There is a choice then, either build on and through obstacles which stand in the way or return to the familiar. It’s a canyon which has yet to be crossed. It’s an unknown where the risks are far greater, but so potentially are the rewards. 

Or like so many, should I realise that what I have is not worth losing just to see what’s on the other side of the divide?

The choice, the compromise, the change. The question is there, though I’m unsure of the answer.