Hotter and hotter.

These last few weeks have been a struggle. From the high of seeing familiar faces on familiar soil and all the joy that brought, somehow I have sunk back into relative obscurity. It isn't a new sensation, but it is daunting when such comes over me. I know what to expect and I can't work out whether I'm better for the insight or not.

Last night I sat and questioned once again; 'Why can't I just be better?' In all senses, I want to reach out of this chasm I am in. I want to be the best person. I want to feel normal. And sometimes, through my agnosticism rather than religion, I ask God.

The thought itself is recurring. Why can't I just be better? I've had it swoosh around my mind for as long as I can remember. Self-doubt creeping up on me constantly as I yearn to create and develop. I am my own worst enemy. It is the self, my-self, which is holding me back.

Perhaps that's why I define myself as agnostic – not because I rely upon the need of something greater than the mind of the individual, but that I need at my worst points something to turn to. God, not in a religious form, but solely in my own conception, is the only one I can trust, the only one who could understand so intimately.

And yet, there is nothing more than the neurology in my mind. Everything in this world, however you look at it, is a figment of one's own imagination. It's an interpretation of science and art. No two people could possibly see the world from the same vista for the nuanced differences cause by our experiences.

The grey days are the worst. These are the ones where the world de-saturates itself so that there is no colour left. The springtime hues of new life are greyscale and all I see is endless concrete, even when I surround myself by humanity so desperate for me to see this planet in all its vivacity. I feel nothing but a crippling void, unable to process a mechanism to cope.

When I was studying there were times when I couldn't get up. There was nothing to live for and I couldn't feel anything. As someone who believes that I should create, to lose any sense is tragic – to become numb was torture. I tried so hard to be better, to feel once more.

One morning, the shower on, I stripped naked and stepped under the lukewarm water. It drenched me, and I turned the heat up. Still, feeling nothing, I turned the heat up once more, nudging it hotter and hotter, daring to scald myself so that at least I'd feel warmth and love and joy.

The water did nothing – the world remained void of colour.

I'm yet to be convinced that anything is possible. I keep limiting myself, blocking ideas from incubating for fear of failure. Yet, I know that this is the only way to escape. To trust oneself fully with the decisions one makes is the only way to see colour, and value in the world. Here's hoping that soon, my sight will be restored and my body will feel once more.