Doesn't even compare.

Last weekend, I went to Dublin with perhaps my closest friend who I adore greatly, but there is an underlying story which hasn't always been so optimistic.

The trouble came because back in college I, frankly, betrayed him and his trust in me. One callous act on my part tore apart our friendship and pushed it to the limits, almost irretrievably. A decade later, during which we haven't spoken about what happened at all, in an Irish pub steeped in literary history, we spoke.

It wasn't that we had planned to go into such deep conversation whilst those around us were content in lighter subjects, but it needed to be spoken and then was finally the right moment. Ten years is such a long time, and to not have resolved something absolutely is ridiculous, but I suppose neither of us wanted to raise the subject. That was until we were relatively isolated from the world, and with pints in hand.

The truth is that it was a painful time, difficult on my part for the guilt I felt.

But it doesn't even compare to what he was going through.

Instantaneously, it was as if his world had collapsed. Acutely aware of the immediate damage I had caused, there was nothing more I could do or say, other than take full responsibility and completely distance myself for as long as needed. 

Sometimes people do things that are harmful. In no way am I excusing myself though there were reasons for my actions, I unintentionally caused hurt and as a result almost ruined myself in the process.

To have had no control over your own destiny must have been truly horrific, and for that I apologise. 

But this isn't about apologies. An apology didn't change things then when offered, and it doesn't change things now. Instead, it has become about nothing more than being there for friends when they need you and not giving up.

Our friendship took a long time to recover and there were years when we didn't speak, and there were times we saw each other but awkwardly still hadn't come to terms with what had happened. 

There are some things in life which are worth fighting for, and some which aren't. I'm truly thankful that after reaching rock bottom, he didn't give up on our friendship. It's almost as if, finally after all this time, I can say thank you.

We are, after all, but a manifestation of our experiences.