Most will fail.

I walk around the city to escape, looking for interesting shapes in the city, that for the most part go unnoticed. I do this because if I don't, I get anxious as if I'm not doing anything. Yet in reality, I aimlessly turn down street after street hoping that there is something that catches my attention.

It's an escape, especially with the pace of the city, to find oneself on an empty road with no one else stopping to see beauty in the light or the trees or the patterns. Sometimes, it feels like it's only me who stops and sees, though I know this to be untrue.

When things used to be bad, I'd make my way to the Thames, just to be near the water as if I couldn't breathe unless I was next to it. Now, I avoid the crowds in much the same way, desperate to discover something unknown to most. A hidden corner of the capital which feels like my own.

Otherwise, I sit on my own in a flat overlooking either a supermarket or a car park, wallowing in self-pity, suffocating and yearning for the crisp air outside. It would be easier if I were the sort to be able to waste away afternoons on box sets, but alas I find no sanctuary unless I am out.

There are a couple of things which I hope to achieve in the near future, encouraging one to spend more time outside and with other people. My biggest failing is not recognising the need to surround myself with likeminded people, often preferring my own company for fear of being rejected.

Naturally, I put in headphones and shut out the world, almost always when I need someone most. Someone to tell me that my projects are wonderful. Someone to believe that I will be successful. Someone to elevate me to further heights. 

Yet, here I sit, awaiting someone to tell me kind things. And I realise once again, as often one does, that the only person you can depend on is you. If you believe that you can do something, you can. No one else will share platitudes for fear that they'll be left behind.

You cannot hold yourself back for the lack of willing from other people.

My projects are many, and are vast. Most will fail, yet I will sleep soundly knowing that I made something happen. I fought for change. I shouted for equality. I was alive and I attempted to make a difference. Surely that is the greatest measure of success?